Day 9: Giving up love as a feeling – the life of a hedonist

I fear giving up love extensively as I have associated love and having a girlfriend and sex with good feelings quite extensively, and I have come to associate good feelings with self support, when in fact a feeling is in no way any real indication as to whether or not I am in fact supporting myself.

So this ‘love’ come in the form of good feelings, and these feelings keep me stuck in the mind, always energetically charged to never see anything clearly and direct but rather stuck within the polarities of my mind as how I have previously defined my world in my mind. It is interesting how energy takes one away from the physical, like you are not even here in your own body – where are you?

The main ways in which I have pursued this energy is through relationships, both sexual and friendships, weed, certain foods, certain activities. There are various habits and ‘energetic triggers, but for today I will focus on the main ones.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to be controlled and influenced by love and a relationship and sex, within the hope of fulfilling the dream of feeling good and ecstasy

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to feel such extremely good feelings as ecstasy so that I may escape my reality and not have to face and take responsibility for my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that an escape can exist and that when I experience good feelings I will escape my reality and how I experience myself within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to lose myself in good feelings

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to trust good feelings, good thoughts, and good self judgments as positive thoughts about myself as ego

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate good feelings with self support and to believe the experience of when I am having good feelings, that I am apparently ‘doing ok’ and am supported and happy and satisfied

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that feelings will never satisfy me and that as long as I continue searching for good feelings, the search will be never ending and will always become more extreme and desperate

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live as an absolute hedonist

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge and hate and separate myself from what I have become as a hedonist

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to live only for good feelings and believe that life can exist and be experienced within and as good feelings

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to always stop and question in the moment – where are these good feelings coming from? Why and how have I come to feel this way?

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to question my feelings and emotions deeply, meaning to make it my main priority to investigate my inner world as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, extensively enough that I have real understanding of how and why I experience myself as I do, so that I may direct myself and live within the principle of equality and oneness as life as doing what is best for all in every way

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out pleasure and good feelings through sex

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out pleasure and good feelings through smoking weed

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out pleasure and good feelings through having relationships and friendships and conversations with others wherein we are united only by our separation and within this support each other from that starting point of separation and misunderstanding

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out good feelings through eating foods that taste good

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out feelings and energy through touching and physical contact

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out and generate energy and feelings by talking about other as gossip and making judgments about others which in some way will reflect on me as superior in my minds eye to give me this feeling/experience of superiority

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I am always seeking out a way to experience good feelings as a way to escape and suppress how I actually exist and experience myself within

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that compensating myself with good feelings is only ever pushing me further and further away from every understanding why I experience myself in such an unacceptable way, and developing and establishing myself to be able to live in a way where I am satisfied as I am living one and equal to life as life as myself as who I really am

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use spitefulness and judgments of others based on their addictions, habits or even complete hedonism, and use such examples and judgments as an excuse as to why I do not change myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to be the love, support and change that I would like to experience as real self support, lived here in the physical, one and equal

I commit myself to stop feeding my mind with energy by seeking out good feelings through various acts such as sex, drugs, food and entertainment

I commit myself to stop living as a hedonist and give equally to myself and others as I would like to receive, and stop taking to satisfy the illusory hunger that I have created through abandoning myself and living in my mind

I commit myself to support myself daily through self application as self writing, and doing research to support myself in understanding why I am the way I am, why I do what I do, and see the common sense of stopping my life as I have always known it as patterns of seeking out and chasing energy and ‘higher’ experience of myself, and living in a way that is best for all life

I commit myself to stop my own self abusive addictive behavior so that I may contribute to a better world for all life, and love my neighbors as myself as my neighbors are myself in another lifetime

I commit myself to stop trying to escape myself through energy addiction as experiencing good feelings and face myself head-on in self support as a living way of life

I commit myself to learn and do whatever is necessary to understand and give up a life of hedonism and live in a way that is best for all life

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