Day 9: Giving up love as a feeling – the life of a hedonist

I fear giving up love extensively as I have associated love and having a girlfriend and sex with good feelings quite extensively, and I have come to associate good feelings with self support, when in fact a feeling is in no way any real indication as to whether or not I am in fact supporting myself.

So this ‘love’ come in the form of good feelings, and these feelings keep me stuck in the mind, always energetically charged to never see anything clearly and direct but rather stuck within the polarities of my mind as how I have previously defined my world in my mind. It is interesting how energy takes one away from the physical, like you are not even here in your own body – where are you?

The main ways in which I have pursued this energy is through relationships, both sexual and friendships, weed, certain foods, certain activities. There are various habits and ‘energetic triggers, but for today I will focus on the main ones.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to be controlled and influenced by love and a relationship and sex, within the hope of fulfilling the dream of feeling good and ecstasy

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to feel such extremely good feelings as ecstasy so that I may escape my reality and not have to face and take responsibility for my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that an escape can exist and that when I experience good feelings I will escape my reality and how I experience myself within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to lose myself in good feelings

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to trust good feelings, good thoughts, and good self judgments as positive thoughts about myself as ego

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate good feelings with self support and to believe the experience of when I am having good feelings, that I am apparently ‘doing ok’ and am supported and happy and satisfied

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that feelings will never satisfy me and that as long as I continue searching for good feelings, the search will be never ending and will always become more extreme and desperate

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live as an absolute hedonist

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge and hate and separate myself from what I have become as a hedonist

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to live only for good feelings and believe that life can exist and be experienced within and as good feelings

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to always stop and question in the moment – where are these good feelings coming from? Why and how have I come to feel this way?

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to question my feelings and emotions deeply, meaning to make it my main priority to investigate my inner world as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, extensively enough that I have real understanding of how and why I experience myself as I do, so that I may direct myself and live within the principle of equality and oneness as life as doing what is best for all in every way

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out pleasure and good feelings through sex

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out pleasure and good feelings through smoking weed

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out pleasure and good feelings through having relationships and friendships and conversations with others wherein we are united only by our separation and within this support each other from that starting point of separation and misunderstanding

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out good feelings through eating foods that taste good

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out feelings and energy through touching and physical contact

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to seek out and generate energy and feelings by talking about other as gossip and making judgments about others which in some way will reflect on me as superior in my minds eye to give me this feeling/experience of superiority

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I am always seeking out a way to experience good feelings as a way to escape and suppress how I actually exist and experience myself within

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that compensating myself with good feelings is only ever pushing me further and further away from every understanding why I experience myself in such an unacceptable way, and developing and establishing myself to be able to live in a way where I am satisfied as I am living one and equal to life as life as myself as who I really am

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use spitefulness and judgments of others based on their addictions, habits or even complete hedonism, and use such examples and judgments as an excuse as to why I do not change myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to be the love, support and change that I would like to experience as real self support, lived here in the physical, one and equal

I commit myself to stop feeding my mind with energy by seeking out good feelings through various acts such as sex, drugs, food and entertainment

I commit myself to stop living as a hedonist and give equally to myself and others as I would like to receive, and stop taking to satisfy the illusory hunger that I have created through abandoning myself and living in my mind

I commit myself to support myself daily through self application as self writing, and doing research to support myself in understanding why I am the way I am, why I do what I do, and see the common sense of stopping my life as I have always known it as patterns of seeking out and chasing energy and ‘higher’ experience of myself, and living in a way that is best for all life

I commit myself to stop my own self abusive addictive behavior so that I may contribute to a better world for all life, and love my neighbors as myself as my neighbors are myself in another lifetime

I commit myself to stop trying to escape myself through energy addiction as experiencing good feelings and face myself head-on in self support as a living way of life

I commit myself to learn and do whatever is necessary to understand and give up a life of hedonism and live in a way that is best for all life

Day 8 – Rebellion

When I was young I remember often being very unhappy. There always seemed to be a way of the world which I did not understand or did not follow, and such rules were always imposed on me and pointed out by others, such as my parents. It was always rules or morals or something. Over time I ended up hating figures of authority, someone or something representing this system. In many ways my hate seem justified as on some level i know that much of what was presented to me as an authority figure was bullshit – meaning that it was not necessarily in my and everyones best interest. Some people in my life admired this ability and fearlessness to rebel, and i recognized that too and by my teenage years, being able to rebel was an asset.

This is where it has become a problem. My tendency to rebel has become associated with doing almost anything that is virtuous, or held in some kind of high regard, high ideals, anything noble, anything of integrity and decency – basically anything falling under the umbrella of ‘good’ because i have come to associate all good ideals with the authority figures and morality system that have in the past, presented and professed such ideals. If anything, being deliberately bad was my way of being good. I’ve been totally backwards. It is like i have always had to rebel to support myself but now it is at the point where there is no one left to rebel against, and that now i am just rebelling against myself.

How have i gotten to this point? Well, in the beginning i separated myself from the system as these authority figures by rebelling. In doing that i failed to understand this system for what it really was. Within this, ended up becoming that which I separated myself from, and for the same reasons that others have created their morality systems, i had created mine. Why do we create these high ideals? In my own experience, i have created these high ideals because I have feared living them in fact – i have feared being self honest in the moment in the physical world, so i constructed a mental reality through which i could project myself.

It is almost ‘natural’ to do this, as it is the only form of consolation –albeit delusional – one can conjure up when a fall is allowed to happen, otherwise how could we live with ourselves, knowing how we have allowed ourselves to fall so? How else could I justify it?

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to rebel against the system and myself as the system

I forgive myself that i am part of the system, one and equal to it, and thus the absolute foolishness of rebelling against the system and taking pride in being a ‘rebel’

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to create ideas about process as ideals/moral judgments which I will then naturally rebel against

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate my past experiences with morality and authority figures and high ideals with process, self honesty and doing what is best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see that my rebellion is based in spitefulness, separation and misunderstanding

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to create process as a morality system within which I can bounce back and forth endlessly getting lost in the polarity of ‘high ideals’ and ‘evil ideals’ as desires/habits/patterns

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to pride myself on ‘being bad’ in the eyes of the system as being a rebel

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge myself based on a falsely created moral standard as good ideals

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that there is no one to rebel against, that there are no ‘bad guys’ out there as authority figures and that the only one who I am rebelling against is myself and within this i am spiting myself and harming myself

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to create the system and authority figures as an entity within my own mind which i then allow to haunt me and to live in this shadow of fear in which i rebel against these illusions by harming myself and doing deliberately bad things

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to do deliberately ‘bad’ things for the sake of being bad – whether perceived or in fact

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate being deliberately bad – whether such actions are purely perceptual or not – with self support

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate being deliberately bad and rebelling with self support

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I can only rebel against myself as i am a part of this existence, one and equal, that it can only ever be me fighting me, me rebelling against me, me hurting me

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see that I am my own worst enemy.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to associate self support and process with the system and system morality and within this, feel as though when i am supporting myself or standing within my process, that I am ‘lame’

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge and ridicule self support and doing what is best for all as ‘lame’ and ‘corny’ as a way of separating myself from real love and support to make myself appear as though i am superior to it or stronger than it

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to separate myself from system morality as judging and defining it as ‘lame’ as a characterised label which i then  project onto actual self support and living in a way that is best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to see the correlation between falling and creating high ideals/morals and that when i allow myself to fall i will tend to project myself as higher ideals to follow and live by

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to rebel merely for the sake of rebelling within the idea/principle that rebelling is always a ‘good thing’ as I have come to associate spitefulness as rebellion with doing something good as self support

I commit myself to stand here within my process of self application to equalize myself with others self directively, and not based on some moral standard which i have created

I commit myself to remain here within the physical in self application, to stop all fears and judgments of the mind and trust myself here within and as the physical to apply myself in every moment

I commit myself to stop living by high ideals and expose and stop the falls/habits/patterns that drive me to create high ideals as morality

I commit myself to make my process and physically lived process applied here in the physical, and stop thinking or trying to understand or live or apply myself within my own mind as thoughts of morality and high ideals

I commit myself to see and understand how I have come to believe that separating myself from others as my physical reality apparently is good for me as a delusional self interested de-man, and commit myself to understanding how living in a way that is best for all life as equality is in fact what is best for self beyond the shadow of a doubt