Day 7 – chasing the ultimate energy high as sex

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe in and look for ‘something more, somewhere out there’ that is ‘greater than/more profound than’ myself and the experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I will find something more than/greater than me as some kind of divine/profound/godly experience.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to disregard the physical, my physical human body and self responsibility through the search to attain and experience energy

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to build up energy that becomes compounded as sexual energy which then creates a desire wherein I desire to release and live-out this energy through the acts of sex and masturbation

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use sex, masturbation, and other recreational activities, things I may enjoy or find relaxing as a way of escaping myself and abandoning myself and my reality to feel good and numb myself through good feelings and overloading myself with energy and energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to wait and look for something that does not exist as ‘the ultimate energy high’

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to sleep and to take into living consideration that the physical body requires sleep before it is over-due, because I am looking/waiting for something as the next energetic high as sex

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that the sexual energy that I experience is real and that I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed, swept away and consumed by this energy

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to look for these feelings and experiences as sex and love through women and beautiful women who I then consider and define as potential candidates to be a partner/bride within this starting point

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to develop relationships that do not in fact support me but rather relationship in which energetic vampirism is the norm and expectation

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I will never find the experience of myself that I am looking for because that experience is only an idea which does not and can not exist within and as the physical reality as I am in fact equal here as the physical and can never be anything more or less than this in fact

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to ‘build myself up’ energetically through stimulation, feeding myself energy, within the pursuit of the ultimate self deception as a false experience of myself as the ‘ultimate high’ of having sex with a woman which I have defined desirable based on societal definitions and my own contrasting inner-lack and desire to be more/have more/experience more