Day 465: Self direction within a group – leading and following

Earlier tonight I had some backchat about the Desteni group and I caught it and had to breathe and stop it and do self forgiveness out loud – it was a thought that was kind of scary in a way because it is certainly not one I would like to have. I know what Desteni truly stands for and that is what is best for all life. I have been aware of the tendency for the minds of people, including myself, to use Desteni and what Desteni is sharing as a way or “making their own life better” only and once their life has improved and they are more confortable, they will not participate anymore with process and Desteni, or their participation will be greatly diminished. It bothered me that I had this thought because I have always sort of made a promise to myself to never “go back” on Desteni, that this was really one of those few things in existence that I could be sure about. What this also showed me, and another reason why I was taken back by my own thoughts, is that it was revealing to me that I had these thoughts/feelings/emotions previously but not dealt with them – it was a build up of energy that had not been directed.

I was thinking about “why doesn’t Desteni intervene in the world scene? Like with politics, religion, healthcare, education etc…..with all of their amazing talents, gifts and abilities, why are they not becoming and involved with their amazing skills and abilities?

This is an example of how the mind tends to see process and what it means to “change the world”. What I am doing within this is operating under the assumption that the skills/abilities/gifts we develop through our process are objects, or even weapons if you will, to use as an advantage OVER others as if we are trying to impose OUR will as opposed to THEIR will. That is simply not what Desteni is standing for. It is not about imposing anyone’s will, it is a way of directly changing this world and existence through changing ourselves and who we are – and while I would like to support the implementation of something like a Basic Income Grant or an Equal Money System – these are just 1 dimension of a much, much bigger world change that has many, many layers and dimensions to it. World change is not such a black and white thing.

One thing that has always bothered me about this world and that makes no sense to me in this process is: why do so few people get a chance to make it past death? Why do people who have access to the internet and who speak English have the only chance to make it past death and make it in this process? We are no better than others for being able to access the Desteni material. What about the children who are killed in war or who starve to death in poverty? Why is our #1 priority not to implement a basic income or equal money system?? Or, is it that We ourselves are not ready to implement it? Is it that we carry the greatest burden and responsibility because of our advantages? Not to “carry the weight of the world on our shoulders” and become martyrs, but to simply do the most because we have been “given the most”. Our curses are our gifts and our blessings and gifts are our curses. Everything is completely backwards in this world but it is not some “world system out there” – rather it is who we are. Who we are. All that matters is who we are here in this moment.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about other members in the group because of where I have not participated with the group and thus judged the group due to my lack of understand of what the group was doing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see Destonians as special and to tend to look to others for answers for that matter when I am able to work things out myself if I let go of all my distractions and desires.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the tendency to look for others for direction/influence to be able to make decisions for me or use the idea that they are “helping me to decide” as a way of keeping back doors open for secret desires and moments where I essentially waste time/the gift of life, postponing self responsibility and promoting my escapism

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fall into the trap of preprogrammed ideas about words like “leadership” and “followers”, wherein I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live both words equally as being both the leader and follower of myself , giving myself the right to participate in the group through equalizing myself to these words which would then allow me to at times express both points of being a leader or follower but as a participant in the group with the starting point of what is best for all and thus either expression can be activated where necessary/best for the group but that I need not be defined solely by either word/expression as a polarity of each other

I commit myself to lead myself and follow my own leadership as movement through/as breath in quieting/stopping the kind so that there is no longer a slave/master relationship between myself and the mind but rather equalize myself to/as my own mind so that I become the director/leader of it in humbleness as breath and thus I create the leadership that is a quiet mind/self movement here as breath that I can follow in trust

I commit myself to recognize the moments in which I have thoughts where I criticize, judge or question the integrity/efforts of others as moments of inner friction wherein I am dissatisfied with myself and am projecting that self dissatisfaction outward, and to flag these moments as indicators of self dissatisfaction and thus to investigate in common sense where I can contribute more/take more self responsibility rather than to sit on the sidelines and judge or criticize as this is useless

 

Day 464: the trappings of an easy life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is something more or greater ‘out there’ in the form of a sexual experience with a beautiful woman – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a sexual experience with a woman that it beautiful or ‘more beautiful than other women I’ve been with’ will somehow satisfy me and bring me closer to real happiness when in fact it creates the opposite experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is something greater or more in the form of my life in Thailand that can be ‘easy’ in the sense that it is not challenging and simplistic and has warm weather, and to have defined this as ‘better’ and something that I am missing out on when I am not experiencing it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive having an easy life and getting more for doing less as being ‘better’ or ‘more than’, not considering or regarding whether or not I am actually living and enjoying myself within such an experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined an easy and unchallenging life in a positive light as a resonant design that is based in past experiences where life was difficult and I found what I was doing pointless/purposeless (school, work/jobs) and that I’ve not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by having an easy life I in fact miss what is here as the real essence/purpose of life which is to learn and change in a way that transforms my very being, and that this is the gift of life and things being challenging – thus I commit myself to not always go for the easy life/experience but to rather go for things based on how I see that they can support my self growth within the context of creating a self/world that is best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and create/gravitate towards that which is safe of prosperous, rather than to try and create/gravitate that towards that which will assist me to understand myself and this reality and become a better person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of comfort and pleasure and to hold such memories as the highest/best possible experience possible and thus aspire towards experiencing them/hold on to the desire to experience them – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use such memories as the temptation that resistance presents to me when and as things get challenging/tough in my life/process

I commit myself to look at what I need within the context of what will support me to grow, understand and self realize who I really am as life, rather than to look at what the mind wants as desires/wants/needs

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I am experiencing anxiety, stress, worry, anger, frustration and dissatisfaction, that this is an indicating that my standing and trajectory as not in alignment with that which is best for self as all as one as equal as that which would best support me to understand, learn, grow and take self response-ability for this life I have been gifted with as the opportunity to grow and learn what it means to live life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my self growth on money and to limit myself growth to money and fears surrounding money and survival and potentially not living the life I want to live as a comfortable and easy/unchallenging life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit my self-expression with money by holding on to the fear that life may get unnecessarily difficult and the subsequent desire to have an easy and unchallenging life

I commit myself to see the opportunity in challenges and difficulty

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that if I utilize the tools I have been given of self honesty, self forgiveness, breathing and writing, that I am able to turn all challenges/difficult experiences into gifts that I can take with me eternally

I commit myself to not take the easy path and to not choose life paths only because they are easy but to rather walk the road less traveled in terms of walking the path that will assist and support me best to see, realize and understand my self response-ability as who I really am as life

I commit myself to place myself where I can have the most impact in my world and have the most opportunity to learn and grow, rather than to place myself in the position of being the most at ease and comfortable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined that which is easy and unchallenging as that which is best – I commit myself to redefine that which is best as no longer being that which is easy, unchallenging and comfortable as I see, realize and understand that what is best is not a matter of experiencing something as ‘easy’ or ‘difficult’ but simply a matter of what will assist and support me best to self realize myself as a self response-able human and that this generally implies walking a road less traveled which is in itself a challenge – yet I commit myself to redefine that which is challenging and difficult within the highest and most positive regard due to it being that which will assist and support me to grow and realize my self responsibility

Day 463: Using a dream to assist with self forgiveness on a dream life

In my dream last night I remember being very angry, specifically towards my mother. It had something to do with me blaming her desire to have a beautiful home and always having money for home improvement/upgrades but never enough money for me or the family. There was a moment where I got the courage to speak up on the point, and it was when she started explaining/justifying why she did what she did that I got really angry, because it was like there was no reasoning anything, and I felt like whatever reason she was giving me was just total BS.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry towards my mother and hold anger from the past against my mother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for her tendency at home improvement/upgrades and that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this for why I never felt I had enough or had all the things I wanted to experience or all the opportunities I would have liked in my life, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry towards my mother because I blamed her for having restricted opportunities and privileges in my life, and that I did not allow myself to see, realize and understand that I am the creator of my life and thus I am not actually restricted even though I may be restricted for a time, things change – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that certain opportunities and privileges would have made me happy and fulfilled me and made up for the problems in my life when in fact such an energetic desire is a desire to escape a situation that at the time I did not know/was not equipped with the tools to deal with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to change my mother/speak up about her habits and tendencies from a starting point of fear of loss – of having desires that I fear will not be fulfilled as I see, realize and understand that I am not in fact being supportive to her or myself when I am speaking from such a starting point and that this behavior is inherently reactive == nothing can be done here in this way – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get angry at my mother when she begins defending herself and justifying her behavior as I see, realize and understand that I am only angry with myself for acting out of fear and separation. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify this anger by defining her as ‘unreasonable’, as I see, realize and understand that this is exactly the kind of reaction/behavior that I elicited by speaking in fear and separation as my starting point

I commit myself to create myself and life with words, and with my words I commit myself to create a life that is not based on fantasies and desires but rather a life which honors all life and takes into consideration that which is best for all

I commit myself to stop my own desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies of having the perfectly comfortable life with no challenges, total comfort and absolute ease of control, and instead life a life that is best for all here with the people that in fact support me and are the ones whom I could not live a dignified life if it weren’t for them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to work with people in a way where I ‘keep back doors open’ – meaning that I look to get what I want and advance myself only, and am thus insincere and disingenuous and if I no longer see that I can ‘use’ the person, I will go out the back door and basically forget them/abandon them/cut them out and continue my own path of self satisfaction – thus I commit myself to work with people in a committed way, as I see, realize and understand that this does not mean being dependent on people or being limited by people, but that I can work with people in a way that is sincere, genuine, considers what is best for them and ultimately is based in a mutual support where I will no longer abandon or discard others simply because I feel they can not help me advance to an energetic goal of addictive desires

Day 462: money and loss – self forgiveness

I haven’t blogged in a while but have been writing recently. I decided to share some self forgiveness I did tonight on the point of money. I am pushing myself to open the point of money in my life as it is a primary point of what is influencing who I am and how I live in this world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money and losing all of the things/dreams/experiences that could come with having a lot of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting the girl I want because of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting the card and house that I want because of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not eating the food I want or getting the health care I want because of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others not liking me because I don’t have enough money and therefore do not have enough status

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me as less than or inferior because I do not have enough money,

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to based my self value and self worth on money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined having money as being the only way that I can live the way I want to and have the kind of life that I want to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and have as much money as possible to attain and maintain an energetic addiction that I refer to as ‘the perfect life’ which is having access to all the people/things/experiences that I could ever want that stimulate me and make me feel ‘more than’ the experience of inferiority that I have accepted and allowed within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have connected/made an association with money to everything in this world as the only possible means to experience it, and to fulfill a desire to have power and control over the ability to experience it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to neglect others and myself because of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be whatever personality type that will give me the best chance of making money or getting me closer to those who can help me make money, at my own expense and self compromise of living that which I know is best for self/all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want others around me in my world to be what I want them to be in my life and have the kind of relationship with me that I want them to in order to give me the best chance at getting closer to having more money because it in some way boosts my ego/status/idea of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to project myself as superior because I believe it will get me closer to money/making more money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect/associate high status in society/in the eyes of others with having a lot of money and success

Day 461: Relationship pattern, part 2

So in the last blog I focused a lot of what the relationship pattern is all about and I noticed a lot of tendency to look at the overall point, like what it was all about, what the end goal was in the pattern or what the basic idea is, but I have not focused so much on how I experience myself within relationships. I have also noticed how much time has passed since my last blog – it did not feel like so much time had passed! It is fascinating how lost I can become in something which takes me away from the point of actually working through it. I often feel ‘hypocritical’ for engaging in mind patterns/habits but then writing about it, but the point is not to be this ascended being, but rather simply use writing as a tool to see self honestly how I experience myself in my daily habits/patterns. They are going to be ‘lived out’ anyways so there is no point in suppressing.

 

It dawned on me today that the point of writing is after all to become intimate with myself and really get to know myself well. A question was asked that I heard: where am I not being deeply honest with myself?

 

So with regards to how I am experiencing myself, there are a lot of thoughts about this particular woman in my life where I am always in conflict in terms of wanting to be with her or not – part of me still desires the feelings/experience/I get when we do certain things together, but another part of me sees how unrealistic this is, what a fantasy it is. There is this whole dream about having this young beautiful partner, a long term partner with marriage and children but there is really no substance to it in terms of the reasons WHY we would be together, like actual intimacy, trust and relationship building through really working together and supporting each other.

 

Another thought pattern that is coming up is me having thoughts about why I cannot have a relationship with this person because they are untrustworthy, because of me realizing/understanding that it is common for people to make mistakes (“cheat”) and at the very least, have interests/attraction to other people, because in my relationship fantasy/desire I would like this perfect person that is completely loyal to me – so here again a point of wanting to control and secure my source of energy as this ideal/experience. There are also judgments that go along with this as this person apparently being bad or not good enough, but the fascinating reality is that regardless of how this person may or may not be: what I am seeing is myself. I have had such a tendency to be a ‘womanizer’ – meaning just wanting women for some kind of amazing ‘larger than life’ experience of myself. I get an ego boost through the experience of ‘getting women’, an adrenaline rush of basically getting an attractive woman to have sex with me or even more, to do so in a submissive way, where I have some kind of experience of control/dominance. Even more is the desire to do this as much as possible, so in a way it sometimes doesn’t even matter who it is, sometimes I even get the ego boost from being able to do this with many different women because apparently this gives me some kind of value. It is like some real capitalist/self interested shit because I just get an ego boost out of having/getting access to something that many others may not be able to access.

 

To be continued in the next blog

Day 460: Relationship pattern, part 1

So I have written blogs recently to support me through some of the recent emotional turmoil that I have experienced due to a relationship wherein I allowed myself to create all kinds of ideas/fantasies/dreams, and thus false hopes/expectations for the future. I created these fantasies and expectations and then when reality did not meet my expectations, and turned out to be much further away from what I had wanted/hoped for/expected, I basically ‘got burned’ and went through a very difficult time emotionally.

Much of what made me angry/sad/resentful was seeing myself in the other person, and blaming. I have had a tendency of taking for granted relationship partner’s as one’s that I can abuse because apparently our closeness and intimacy justifies that. This is one of many mistakes I made where I did not treat my partner as just another human, but rather made them a ‘special one’ and as such expected them to be special, to be a perfect person, like my ‘dream partner’. I could have treated my partner like any other person, and instead of becoming lost in reactions towards her behavior because I feared losing her/my dream, I could have taken those points that I reacted to ‘back to self’ and learned from them. Because I had based it on fear of loss, I really fucked myself. That is not a real starting point to live by.

This fear of loss can always be justified – there are so many fears attached to relationships, related to survival and money, where I begin to depend on my relationship as part of defining who I am and how I will be successful in this world. This is where looks and ‘beauty’ become very relevant for me as a man, where every man wants the ‘beautiful girl’ as it is apparently a reflection of our success and status in this world. It is an ego boost to ‘have access to’ the beautiful girl, the ‘hot commodity’ that everyone wishes they could have – like gold – a metal that is actually useless in its real practical value yet everybody desires because we have given it some artificial value that is linked to success.

But within this insane drive for survival, relationships become a means to an end, and the more I lose myself in this fearful pursuit of survival and ‘perfect fantasy life’ that I have created within this fear, the more I lose touch with reality. Sex becomes a mental experiences where there is so much energy generated around having the ‘prized beautiful woman’ and thus sex as an energetic experience ends up becoming this total addiction.

I hate who I become within this experience, jealous, controlling, possessive, obsessive. Within the fear of loss we struggle to find some form of certainty, but in this world there are very, very few real certainties, when it comes to what the human believes it wants/what would be ideal.

I hated things about my partner like dishonesty, where my partner would fear me judging her and resort to dishonesty, and yet I did the same thing. I felt like my partner did not give me the time and attention I deserved and neglected me, and yet I neglected myself extensively throughout the relationship. I hated my partners desire to escape this reality with alcohol and other pointless entertainment, yet my escape was weed and I had my own forms of entertainment. I would judge her escapes as inferior to mine, because I did not share the same interests, but it is really the same shit. I hated that it was possible for myself partner to be interested in other men, yet it was always so easy for me to be interested/curious about other women. I hated her tendency to be vain and want to be liked by others for her picture presentation, yet this desire also exists within me to some capacity or another.

I was not ready to embrace and accept my partner in the same way that I wanted her to embrace and accept me. I allowed myself to focus on my own hopes, wants, desires and dreams that were based in fear of loss, and so the image of my partner, and the energy that this image represented as my hopes/dreams/fantasies/fears became all that mattered, I made the mistake of turning her into an object of desire, allowing myself to exist in lust and desire, completely missing the real person, and the depth of the dimensions of this complex human being, and instead reducing her to an image that fit into a fantasy of mine. Then I would make the mistake of feeling that the same was done unto me. And perhaps it was. But the point is that I cannot support others within this point when I am also lost within it.

It was in a way easy to fit my partner into the criteria of the ‘dream partner’ that I had idealized, that is part of an image of success, as adopted from my society. She is of course a woman lol, she is young, she is different and one could say ‘exotic’ as she is a foreigner from another country so there is this extra sense of ‘mystery’ about her which contributes to this point of fantasy. Her looks and body fit a certain criteria of what i have defined as ‘beautiful’ and ‘sexy’. She is ‘feminine’ which feeds my ego as the self definition of me being ‘masculine’, so here, liking each other for our perceived definitions/perceptions of each other and thus bolstering our own definitions/perceptions of ourselves. Everything playing into the illusion of who we believe ourselves to be as characters, blinding ourselves from and losing touch with who we are as life, becoming lost in the illusion of fear of who and what we really are as life.

No matter what changes and what happens, what ultimately matters is that I am self honest and thus genuine in how I am in relation to others, in how I coexist with others. Within this, there will be no guarantees of good feelings or money or other perceived rewards, but it means that I stood for what mattered and within this, changed who I am and supported others to change as well and treat each other with the dignity, regard, respect and love that we as human beings ought to treat ourselves and others with unconditionally.

This is a big world. We are interacting with beings all the time and as part of life, we should have a diverse range of beings that we interact and participate with, both directly and indirectly. Life is much ‘bigger than’ just obsessing over one person and who we are in relation to this one person, and I have had a habit of limiting myself to relationships for far too long, obsessing over them over potential partners and always looking for that ‘one person’ who would take me away from reality, from actually living full, living to my full potential.

The pattern is always the same: find someone who fits a criteria according to society and thus has ‘value’ due to their physical appearance, then form the relationship which is based on a kind of ownership where we are exclusive to each other and not associate with members of the opposite sex, and hold onto this relationship and control each other and monitor each other in fear of losing this relationship, all the meanwhile, having lots of sex to generate energy and good feelings, giving us some semblance of intimacy and positivity. It is not only sex, there is also romance and talk and basically treating each other in a way where we are like each others dreams, being extra nice and pleasant and charming and creating all of these fake ‘nice experiences’ where we show each other the best of each other to further create the feeling that ‘this is the one’ and this is great and thus this is the person/relationship that I can use to escape reality and not actually focus on ME and WHO I AM and prevent me from actually living without fear, preventing me from living to my full potential.

 

To be continued in the next blog.

Day 459: Reality as the context of self-change

As I sit here alone with myself, it is like I just want to escape myself – resistance – suddenly I feel my body as tired, I want to visit with people, I want to eat snacks or smoke weed – anything to escape myself, to not have to look at myself and work with myself.

There are so many ‘beautiful’ women here where I live, so many opportunities to create the love experience, every day, it is almost non-stop, like being a drug addict with an unlimited supply of drugs but I feel so tired and bored of it.

Man, I fear letting go, just telling every woman that I’m not interested because the interest is based on what? Looks always, and the desire to have someone to give them some kind of an experience – when this is the starting point, how can anything else be created? Anything else that is created will be seen as the enemy and rejected. So I feel like I am done with these kind of relationships but then I have to be really strict with myself to stop. I spend so much time focusing on the women in my life and it really takes away from so much more that I could be doing. There is so much that I am missing. There are so many that require support, and virtually no one is working on their behalf to change the world. I could be doing so much more, I could be working more, working tirelessly to just focus on sorting myself out and also sorting this world out, becoming involved in BIG, in having an influence in people’s lives. I could give up the fear that the desire for ‘good relationships’ is holding me back from so I could really become a force that moves people in this world. It is so important to remember the context of the reality that I find myself in – because while giving up seems difficult, I am really sacrificing such small and petty interests to make such a larger difference in the world through the ripple effect that I would have.

I felt ‘disturbed’ today by what I was seeing in others, being so caught up in issues that are really ‘non issues’ and I felt like ‘how can these people not see the simplicity of what is going on in this world and that we have to push ourselves to give up such petty and over-complicated personal bullshit to really just focus on the simplicity of the fact that there is so much suffering and that we have to do everything possible to stop this – ?’

We think that the petty dramas that we preoccupy and entertain ourselves with are worth living for, and we think that the ‘nice feelings’ that we generate to escape such dramas, and the harshness of reality are also worth living for – they are not. Most of us will realize this when it is too late, when we are staring death in the face only will most of us realize that our lives were lived in vain, that virtually none of what we focused on/preoccupied ourselves with was worth anything, and that the energy that we allowed ourselves to be consumed by because it was just so intoxicating and felt so real, was worth nothing in the end, it just ends, and none of it can be ‘taken with us’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the context within which I am giving up my self interest as personal habits that generate energy and keep me entertained and preoccupied, which is the context of the reality of the fact that billions are suffering extensively and that I am also part of this suffering and that if I do not act now and change and do something about this, it will be a rude awakening as I see that my life was worth nothing as I join the suffering and lose all that I gave value to falsely – and that if I allow myself to recognize this context it will support me sufficiently to wake up from the intoxication of energy as the illusion of living/life as I see that what I am giving up is in fact nothing of any real value and not difficult to give up at all in fact if I recognize/live within this contextual understanding that the suffering of billions ‘far outweighs’ my own petty desires for energy, and that this desire/seeing out of energetic experiences only worsens the inevitable reality that will have to be faced when I run out of chances to escape from this reality through feeding the mind energy as eventually the mind always dies and ceases to exist anyways

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the energy of the mind always runs out at death and is worth nothing of real value as it is not constant and cannot be taken with me at death and can contribute in no way to life and a better life for all beings on earth

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into the desire to distract myself with many points of distraction as entertainment such as pro sports or beautiful women or trash tv shows or youtube clips or pointless gossip or having relationships or partying with friends or smoking weed or any other experience that is of an energetic nature which is only designed to create more fear and friction within me but with the intent that the fear a friction is so great that I will lose myself within it and thus my reality will somehow go away and solve itself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into believing that participating in energy can have any positive consequence in any way as participating in energy only generates more fear and friction which is the same energy that perpetuates this dysfunctional reality and blinds me from this reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand consistent within principle – that is the principle of oneness and equality as what is best for all life in recognizing what is here and that there is work to be done within the context of the space time reality we currently find ourselves within, no matter how undesirable or ugly or unpleasant it may be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the desire for happiness get in the way of standing up for life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown and fear what I will become if I let go of my pointless distractions as source of energy to feed my addiction to energy that blinds me from reality, and that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to breathe through such moments where I stop until the mind ceases to go through withdrawal to see that I am in act still here and can expand only through walking through such points of stopping participating in energy addictions and walking through the withdrawal thereof

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive energy withdrawal as ‘difficult’ when in fact it is only the mind that makes it difficult when breath is still in fact here and is the cure to alleviate the perceived difficulty of going through energy withdrawal

I commit myself to push myself in disciplining myself to focus on what is here as the actual reality of what requires attention/sorting out in this world, whether it be my own mind or that which I experience/see as the minds of others or the manifestations of the minds that exist in this reality, I commit myself to walk moment by moment in stopping past patterns, no matter how difficult it seems, and to support myself with breath/breathing to walk through the perceived difficulty of the mind disengaging energetic addictions

I commit myself to find the time and attention to face what is here as my own mind, as I see, realize and understand that all of the difficulties/problems that we face in this world are a product of the mind and addiction to mind patterns that can be stopped if we take the time to unconditionally and without fear face our own minds as what is here occurring as our thoughts, feelings and emotions, and that if this diligence is applied to facing my own mind, no matter how burdensome or undesirable or unfulfilling it may seem, a point of real love, real value and real respect for life will be established here as me as I will accept nothing more or less than life here and will work actively to stop all that impedes life and exist as the illusory impostor to life that destroy life through our ignorance, acceptance and allowance of it

I commit myself to walk both and outer and inner process of both changing my habits and becoming a new person with new interests that no longer participates in the same habits/desire/thought patterns of the mind, changing both the physical behaviors but also with awareness stopping the mental patterns that exist here within/as the mind using tools such as breathing and writing, and repeating this application until the mind is no more given any power

I commit myself to seek out new ways that I can assist and support in creating a world that is best for all life by stopping all self limitation as the fears and desires that exist as the mind of thoughts feeling and emotions

Day 458: Imagery, vanity, superficiality

Gian’s blog on appearances was very supportive in assisting me to find the words and resolve to write this blog, check it out here if interested:

http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2016/04/day-580-image-i-am-age-part-1.html

I have this underlying belief that appearances, and being liked for appearances, is a good thing, an advantage in a world of competition – but this is an ‘asset’ that must be maintained and upheld, which I will always fear losing because it is not real and I will lose it eventually. The more I play on my appearances, the less that I offer anything of actual real value, and the more I diminish myself into simply being an image, a character, a picture.

The images point plays into relationships where people then get an idea about me based on the image. Expectations are then formed which are never fulfilled because I am never in fact equal to the image. The image is seen as a point of perfection/positivity when I am not that perfection/positivity in fact. Getting noticed for appearances then becomes like an addiction that is very difficult to break because I am so used to connecting with people as an image to be upheld.

I fear disconnecting from the image, because then it is like, how will I relate to people? And yet, when one point ends there is a new beginning – and so the only real chance/opportunity that I have to be recognized as something other than an image is to stop recognizing myself as the image, and thus to stop recognizing others as the image, to stop valuing and liking others for the images that they are attempting to present and capitalize on. Through this I am able to stop all of the emotional turmoil that is created as a result of living this way – specifically, I find myself hating others for their vanity, for being obsessed with images and the images they value and the images that they present themselves as in a pitiful attempt to be recognized as having some kind of value and worth in this world. We live in a world that gives very little, if any value to life, and has forsaken life in place of the image.

Life is not an image as the image of life is always changing yet everlasting as life.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to present myself as a positive and acceptable image that will ‘connect with’ the images that exist in the minds of others that are held as positive and desirable by others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to capitalize on the image that I present myself as and that others recognize me as, as a preprogrammed/genetic advantage over others wherein I do not actually have to offer much of real value to others and frankly, do as much work/contribute as much as others because I fit a certain image profile and am given credit for this image profile by others who simply value being connected to this image as the image is falsely valued as being intrinsically worth something as being ‘better than other images’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take for granted the preprogrammed advantages that I have over others by being recognized as a valued image in the eyes of others, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have grown accustomed to this and to fear giving it up and essentially having to live like a normal person where I have to work for what I get/contribute something of real value for what I get, and even to go beyond this and contribute something of value to this world unconditionally, even if I do not get/receive, as I see realize and understand that this is an elitist way of life/living and that I will end up hating myself for living this way just as I have hated other elites for taking advantage and exploiting life simply because it is what they know and is easy for them

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand what it is that I am supporting in this world by allowing myself to exist as a ‘positive image’ that is given irrational value and credit, which is also known as vanity/being vain – that I am participating in/supporting an entire world/society that is obsessed with this image and has completely forsaken life in place of this image, where life is overlooked, abused and destroyed in the name of this image and seeking out/attempting to attain this image where the masses compete to be closer to this image that is apparent perfection, while in fact the world burns and suffers because we have lost ourselves and abandoned ourselves in pursuit of this image – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there are people being abused and abusing themselves very badly only because they have been possessed by these images, and that this manifests itself in all kinds of forms of abuse such as rape, neglect, deception, plastic surgery, blind consumerism, prostitution, disingenuous relationships, racism, ageism, financial abuse/power struggles etc etc

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear creating a new way of living/participating in this world/society by not participating in the image game, and that this as a new way of living must actually be explored/’lived into’ the physical world as the only way to stop this fear and actually create a new way of life that is based on valuing life as what is here as the physical

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how the participating in the image game supports everything that I hate about this world as abuse and elitism

I forgive myself that I’ve also accepted and allowed myself to constantly be in search of/seeking out images that are given value and worth by others/society/the mind as the representation of apparent wealth and success and within this, that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not value life/miss what is real as life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the valuing of images is always about MONEY and POWER as self interest/greed as the images merely represent/symbolize money/power and that this is why everybody is busy chasing such images and obsessing over such images, because they are simply flocking to where they believe the power/money lies when in fact there is nothing there of real value EVEN IF some money or power is attained for a time as money and power has no real value if it is attained in self interest and not as what is best for all as the recognition that ALL LIFE is of equal value/worth

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see it as a positive experience when I am recognized for/as fitting an image profile that has apparent value/worth and that I have not allowed myself to realize that this is a negative point in fact – not negative of the mind as being ‘bad’ but as simply having no real value or worth and thus has the potential to become negative/destructive if this point is recognized/given value/followed/lived by.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed to recognize that every time I am disgusted by the vanity that I observe in this world as the images that others worship and attempt to be recognized as, that this experience is a reflection of myself and where I am disgusted with myself for allowing myself to do the same thing in some way or another, and thus to take this as a lesson to look and see where in my life I am doing the same thing so that I may STOP this behavior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and perceive that if I stop playing the image game of trying to capitalize on good looks/appearances, I will lose/be left behind/forsaken when in fact the reality is the exact opposite: when I play this game I leave myself/life behind and forsake myself and others as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I give up the image/vanity game of trying to be recognized for an image/looks, that I will have no vale in the eyes of others, and that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that life has value intrinsically and this value must be given to self through a recognition of myself as the value of life and to stand as the value of life here in the physical, supporting life in every way

I commit myself to stop attempting to present myself as a positive image in the minds of others/society

I commit myself to stop recognizing/giving value to the images that others present which are deemed as having value by society as being desirable which is really just based on sex and money as an experience of apparent value/worth as an energetic experience of the mind as the illusory attainment of value

I commit myself to no longer give myself value/worth based on my image/trying to present an image/being recognized by others as an image

When and as I see myself participating in the image game/attempting to be/be recognized as a desirable image or seeking out/desiring/giving value to others based on the images they are presenting – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in this desire to participate in the image game as I see, realize and understand that these images are images of deception and abuse and not images of life, that they do not support life and rather support abuse as the illusion of life and the deception of positivity – thus when and as this desire arises as an experience of a rush of thoughts, feelings and emotions I focus on breathing until the energy passes as I have understanding/faith that the energy will pass as energy is of the mind and always dissipates in time, and will dissipate even faster when I do not participate within it

I commit myself to stop making connections with others based on recognizing/valuing their image as a follower of society, within the understanding of what society values, and to rather stop participating with others/making decisions on how I participate with/treat others based on their image and the value that society/the mind gives to their image

I commit myself to stop judging myself and others for playing the image game and becoming lost by participating in the image game, through no longer playing/participating in this game myself as the only solution to no longer be influenced/directed by this game and set of arbitrary values that abuse life

 

Day 457: Disengaging the relationship mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and hold on to my desire for sex with a person who I have defined as ‘special’ because they bring me a certain level of energetic satisfaction through symbolism, and that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand in practical application in physical reality that such a point takes time to disengage from through specific self directed actions that support self to let go/disengage such as breathing and writing, and that, given the nature of the degree to which I have invested myself in this energetic addiction, it will take time and repeated/consistent application to disengage from this point, but that, like the disengagement of all energetic addictions, this is completely %100 possible if I make it so and that if this is done, I will ultimately be free from the addiction that I sometimes feel/believe is too powerful to overcome, and that through such application I am able to get to a point within myself where the addiction is like ‘nothing to me’ and is viewed completely differently, in such a way where it has absolutely no influence/power/control over me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into the past and try and attempt to understand and justify the past ‘in my favor’ which is in fact in the favor of maintaining an energetic addiction, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to use my review of the past as thoughts/memories to try and create a future that only the mind believe it wants due to an energetic addiction that was created in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, understand and apply in physical reality that I must be strict with myself in terms of not engaging points of energetic addiction from past relationships, given the nature of the mind and the extent of the energetic addiction, that it is important to be completely strict in terms of ‘cutting off the energy supply’ and engagement points, in thought, word and deed, and that through repeated application of this, I will over time change – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep any backdoors open and to not use the justification/excuse/fear of ‘I don’t want to hurt this person/be harsh’ as a way of keeping my energetic addiction alive as I see, understand and realize that what I am doing is only to support myself and is not personal/ a slight against the other person as a real personal attack/sleight against another person is the attempt to deceive them in being ‘positive’/re-engaging in past habits with them under the guise of love and positivity, to simply keep feeding my energetic addiction

I commit myself to be strict with myself in letting go of all past habits of engaging in energetic addiction with my old relationship partner in thought, word and deed, as I see, realize and understand that given the nature of the mind and the extent of the energetic addiction, it will take time and repeated self directive application to disengage from such points, thus when the desire to re-engage in such behaviors arises as my thoughts, feelings and emotions arises – I stop, I breathe, and I simply do not go there/allow myself to participate in such points of past engagements

I commit myself to be strict with myself in not allowing any backdoors to be open to re-engage in my past relationship or the desire to continue having a relationship, in thought, word and deed, as I see, realize and understand that the nature of the energetic addiction is strong and that the mind only needs a small opening to begin re-engaging in past patterns as thoughts and behaviors, thus, when the desire to open a backdoor/let another through the backdoor arises as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, I simply do not participate, I stop, I breathe and I re-direct myself as breath so as to no longer participate in any past relationship habits/patterns as thoughts and behaviors

I commit myself to prove to myself through self directed application/standing up for myself here as breath by stopping thoughts/desires/behavior patterns, that it is in fact possible to overcome that which I believe is difficult to overcome and it is possible to disengage from that which I believe is difficult to disengage in and that that which I believe to be real and ‘too powerful to overcome’ as an energetic addiction – is in fact nothing, is not real, and that I do in fact have the self directive principle within me to overcome anything through standing up for myself as breath/life

Day 456: Letting go of last ditch efforts

In going through a recent disengagement froma  relationship, I ‘thought’ I was on the right track but allowed myself to get sucked back into it – I say allowed myself, because as much as I have wanted to blame the ex for luring me in, it is really me who allowed this, so I really have to develop my resolve/self directive principle here.

I recently came across this video by Osho which has really supported me on the point of love, marriage, partners, family:

I remember Bernards advice about how to do writing as a self support tool:

question, real, self honest, here

The fact is that I am enthralled by the symbolism of the ex and how it represents sex – when its about sex the girl becomes the ex.

The symbolism is such that it enslaves me to the mind. Because the girl is apparently such a ‘hot item’ that gives me the ego boost when I get access to the girl. Of course it means nothing, just energy for the mind, more enslavement to the past, to ‘selfish’ past habits that are really just based in fear and misunderstanding of life.

There are no answers in ego games. There is no point to speak to ego, to speak as ego.

I have to be able to ‘walk through’ the past. What does that mean? Does it mean to not give into desire? I would think so. Sex has become an addiction and it is like I would like to justify it if I ‘don’t get attached’ – yet there is always an attachment in that I am attached to the particular look that makes me want to have sex. This is the point: to not be fooled by the symbolism. To not go for it just because it feels good.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into the desire to have sex with a girl who I have defined as ‘young and pretty’ because of the apparent ‘value’ that this represents as it is defined by society and given all kinds of added value through hopes/dreams/fantasies/projections. When and as I see this desire arise, I stop, I breathe and I do not participate as I see, realize and understand this is the rush of the mind to keep the energy addiction point alive and the only way to stop it once and for all is to actually not give into the desire, breathe through it, and repeat this over and over again as many times as possible until the point is no more and no such desire exists.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reason staying stuck in the past with beliefs and justifications about love, about how I was apparently good and she was apparently bad, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see through the fantasy that I created for myself that I trapped myself in. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify remaining in this fantasy of love and marriage (as the hidden desire for sex and energy to sustain the mind) through using beliefs as justification of how my desires were apparently noble, well intentioned and had any real practical value when in fact they did not and were merely based in fears of the future as misunderstandings of life. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into blaming another as my partner/ex partner as the reason why things did not work out as I had desired them to and as a subtle way of trying to keep things the way there were or wanted them to be as the desire for sex and energy.

When and as I see myself going into justifications about how my desires/intentions/deeds were apparently noble and had real practical value and that they were not merely for the desire for sex as energy for the mind – I stop, I breathe, I do not participate in these justifications as self righteousness to try and make my desires ‘right’ as I see, realize and understand that this is the way that the mind would like to continue on with its addiction to energy as sex – thus when and as I see this tendency to justify myself/present myself as good and better/be self righteous, I stop, I breathe and I do not participate in this energy but rather direct myself/the situation to move out of the mind and walk a practical solution as the stopping of the mind/desire

When and as I see myself going into points of blame towards another/partner/ex for things not going as the mind would have liked them to as the maintaining of the desire for energy and the act of feeding the mind energy through sex that is based on mind symbolism, I stop, breathe, and do not participate in this desire to blame and use past memories and knowledge to blame, no matter how true the knowledge may appear to be, as I see, realize and understand that this is a very clever way of the mind to use the faults of others to justify ones own fault/desire for energy to feed the mind as sex – thus I do not participate in this desire to blame as it arises in my mind as knowledge about another in thoughts/feelings/emotions